I Told Her I Love Her
by Micisuewho
Summary: Barry comforts Iris in the aftermath of her breakup with Eddie.
1. I Told Her I Love Her

I haven't slept as well since I told her. It's only been a few months, but I've noticed the difference in our relationship. I've noticed that, just like I feared, it hasn't been the same. We still smile at each other. We still make the same sort of conversation and laugh the way we used to, but it never lasts as long. It's like she's afraid of me. Like, if we spoke any longer or hung out any more than we do, I'd make a move or something. She knows I wouldn't. She knows me. If I were going to do anything, I would have done it a long time ago. I've never been that bold. Believe me, I've spent plenty of time only _wishing_ I had been when given the chance. Before all this. Before the Flash. Before Eddie.

She looks at me different too. I said the smiles are still there, and they are, but they're sadder. More forced. Whenever we talk, she leaves Eddie out of her sentences, and as much as I appreciate her effort to spare my feelings, I actually wish she wouldn't. I can't help feeling like a huge piece of her life is being kept from me now. Like Eddie is this big secret. I feel like she should know me better than this, but she doesn't get it.

I want to know everything.

Every piece of her life.

Every inch of her smile, and what puts it there.

Every second she laughs and why she's laughing.

Every thought.

Every feeling.

Every joke.

Every frown.

Every word.

_Everything._

Even if it hurts.

We used to be that way, but now that she leaves Eddie out of her conversations with me, I'm missing some of what makes her happy and _I don't want that_.

Eddie hasn't been the source of her joy lately though, and I can see it, whether she tells me or not. Something between them has been off. She looks at him differently too. Recently she's given him the same thing she's been giving me. Half the story, half the smile. Her usual radiance is dimmed and I wish I could lighten her up again. She's kept quiet even more than usual lately though, and I don't know why because she won't tell me.

I told her I loved her.

I still cannot believe I actually told her I loved her.

I'm supposed to be working, but I can't think straight. I'm sitting on the couch and staring at the wall like an idiot. I usually feel like an idiot, and where Iris is concerned, I'm also usually right. I don't even remember the last time she wasn't on my mind. Even if it's just in passing. If I'm trying to focus on being the Flash, I'm worrying someone might hurt her. If I'm trying to be focused on work, her name comes to mind while I'm working. Day after day after day of Iris Iris Iris and only ever Iris. I can still function as a normal human being, but hardly ever without her crossing my mind. Someone knocks on the door. Gentle. Three taps and then silence.

Reluctantly, I stand up an walk towards it.

I didn't know what to expect when my hand hit the door knob and twisted it to the left but she is standing, just as beautiful as always, behind it. There is one overwhelming detail in her appearance that I wish wasn't there. Her light is dimmer than ever.

"We broke up." she says, quiet. Her lip quivers and she has water building up in her eyes like a dam about to burst. "I saw it coming. I knew it would happen. I- I just- I wasn't as prepared as I thought-" and just like that the dam breaks. She's in my arms, her tears wetting my shirt. I have a mix of emotions. I'm holding her tight because I want her to be comforted, but also because I missed her. I missed her so damn much. This is the first time in way too long that she's opening up to me about this piece of her life that is so enormous. This is the first time in so long that I'm holding her in my arms and every piece of her is in tact.. Except... now she's falling apart.. I didn't want this.

"Iris." I twist her hair around my fingers and press my mouth against her head. For a few minutes, we stand there. Her fingers are pressing so deeply into my back, and she's almost completely leaning on me for support. I'm holding her so tight. I'm holding her with so much of my heart because I'm terrified she might slip away again if I let go even for a second. I hate that she's crying. I hate that she's sad. I hate that her light is as dim as it is, but I love that she's here. I love that she's in my arms. I love her.

"Come here." I say, sliding my hands down her arms and taking her hands in mine. I lead her to the kitchen where the ultimate comfort lies. Wine. Ice cream. Any sort of numbing comfort outside of a hug. She sits down, her face still puffy and wet, and tries to wipe her face dry, even though it doesn't help. I reach into the freezer and pull out what I find. Mint chip. The wine is already on the table. I was drinking it earlier, as if it does anything. I slam the ice cream on the table and slip a small smile in her direction. A little lighter, still too dim.

We're sitting on the couch. We have been for a little while now. Eating our ice cream, and discussing Eddie in and out of her life and the big chunk that I've missed. Mostly I just let her talk. She goes through all five stages of grief over and over and over again.

_1. I can't believe it's over._

_2. He's such a jerk. _

_3. He was so good to me and now he's gone._

_4. I would do anything to have him back._

_5. I have to move on._

On repeat. Like a record. And I love it. I don't love that she's in pain. I love that she's talking to me about it.

We keep tossing the laughter back and forth. She makes multiple jokes about him, but not in an angry way. Not anymore at least. She loves him. It's not easy to stay angry, like _really _angry, at the people you love. At one point she jokes about what she's looking forward to the least. Packing. She hates packing, and what it means makes it even worse. But it's funny to her, so I laugh too. I'll laugh as long as she does and I'll cry too. I want to be where she is. That's all.

My question though is what caused it? I have my suspicions, but I'm trying not to think too hard about them. I want to make sure. I don't want to be selfish. I hate being selfish.

"Iris?" I say softly, when there's a gap in conversation. She doesn't say anything, but she looks at me and raises her eyebrows. I'm almost too chicken to say the words, but one by one I spit them out. Awkwardly, I might add. "Why did you... Well I mean... I mean what happened, exactly?" Her face stays the same. Eyebrows raised, eyes wide, mouth slightly open. Her hands are folded in front of her, and she's leaning most of her upper body weight on her knees and elbows. She says it in a matter of fact sort of way. Like I'm an idiot. Just like I thought, I'm an idiot for not noticing. For not realizing why they were getting more distant and why she's even here with me now.

"You happened."

Her body shift to look at me and she reaches for my hand. I don't know what she's going to do, so I don't do anything for myself. She grabs my arm with her both of her hands and puts it around her shoulders, and rests her back on my chest. Her head is the last thing. It touches my collar bone and a shiver runs down my spine. I can smell her hair, and I reach up to touch it too. It's like silk. I bow my head down to kiss her forehead. Like satin. This is everything. She is everything. If this is a dream, God, don't ever wake me up.


	2. She Told Me She Loves Me

I open my eyes before I realize I'd closed them in the first place. I didn't dream last night. I didn't need to. My dream was in my arms. She fell asleep before I did, and for a while I just sort of stared at her. I was shocked. She had told me, indirectly, that she loves me too. The whole reason Eddie ended things was because she loves me. What else would it be? I watched her as she closed her eyes and slipped into her own dreamscape. I watched as the corner of her mouth curled up into a small smile and I watched her breathe. I felt her heart beat. I felt the warmth of her skin, and now here I am reliving the same thing over and over again in my mind and it hasn't even ended. She's still here. Smiling. Breathing. Beautiful.

I try to be as gentle as possible, lifting my arm and inching my fingertips toward the hair over her eyes. I tuck the hair behind her ear and move my thumb to graze her cheek. I didn't mean to wake her up, but her smile gets a little bigger and I know that I did.

I don't want to say anything. Any word that comes out of my mouth right now could ruin everything. If I don't bite my tongue, I'll probably say something that would change her current luminous expression, and I won't have that.

Slowly, she opens her eyes and turns her head to look at me, resting her chin on my chest. I run my fingers through her hair again. I could do this forever.

"Good morning." she says, letting out a little chuckle halfway through the second word. I'm still speechless. I open my mouth. Maybe I should say something, but nothing comes out. I've convinced myself that the only voice in the room worth listening to is hers, though she would say otherwise. She wrinkles her noise. "Oh... Work." Her chin ducks under as her face lays flat on my chest. "No." she groans, and I laugh. It's still pretty early in the morning, but nonetheless, we both have other obligations. Obligations I'd rather not think about. Obligations I didn't think about until just now.

She looks up at me again, chin on my chest, hair in her face. I brush it out of the way again, wanting to see her eyes. I stare too hard and too long into them, but they've always been a weakness of mine. Her smile. Her eyes. Her.

I feel like we're in a staring contest.

She narrows her eyes. "You blink first." We are in a staring contest.

"Don't boss me around." I keep my eyes open as long as I can, feeling them get more and more dry with every second that passes.

"Barry. It stings. You blink first." she looks frustrated now. Frustrated in an adorable and sarcastic sort of way. Her usual attributes.

"You're not going to win this." My eyes are in so much pain.

"You wanna bet?" she says, raising an eyebrow.

"Absolu-" and then her lips are on mine. I've closed my eyes and immediately my left hand goes to her hair. The kiss is soft and short. Too short. I don't have much time to process it, actually because as soon as it begins, it ends and she's smirking at me.

"I won." she says in two swift syllables, and then lifts herself up off of the couch. I immediately feel the cold that accompanies the absence of her body heat, and I don't like it.

"That is not fair." I can't keep myself from chuckling at everything that just happened. She's in the kitchen, fluttering from corner to corner, preparing a pot of coffee and smiling to herself with pride. I'm trying to pretend it doesn't bother me that our first kiss was a quick trick. I stand up from the couch and find my way to the kitchen so I can look at her some more. Coffee is the priority. No, sorry. Winning a staring contest is the priority. Then coffee. "You cheated! You used my weakness against me." She turns around and shrugs at me.

"We didn't set any ground rules." she says slyly.

"But-.. Well I-... No you're right we didn't." I'm staring at the ground now. Why am I staring at the ground? I look back up at her and watch her float around the kitchen like a feather. I'm not nearly awake enough to be as graceful as she somehow is, but I've also never fully grasped the concept of grace... Or the concept of being fully awake in the morning.

"Coffee?" she says, grinning at me and holding a mug in her hand. I shrug. Then I nod. At this point, coffee feels more like a necessary medication than a customary morning beverage. Maybe I'm still asleep. Maybe she didn't actually kiss me and maybe I don't have any logical reason to be upset. But even if I'm awake, and she did kiss me, I probably still don't have any logical reason to be upset. She kissed me. I should be ecstatic. It was a kiss from the girl I've loved my whole life.

"You probably oughtta get ready though. You're more than likely to be late if you don't get a head start." she says, pouring coffee into my mug. She turns and hands me the mug, then throws in the same smirk as before. "Not that anyone would be surprised."

I take the coffee from her and sip it. "I'll be fine." I say. "I can get ready pretty fast."

She doesn't even bother to pour herself a cup of coffee. The coffee was mostly for me. She's done this before, but it was always platonic. Platonic coffee. The coffee never tasted quite as good as it does this morning. Knowing she loves me sweetens everything. It makes getting up feel more like a gift than a burden. It makes smiling ten times easier and frowning almost non existent. It makes coffee taste better.

I can't help thinking about the kiss, though. It was much too quick. I feel cheated, which is completely illogical, unfair, and ungrateful, I know. But the thought won't leave me.

She rushes to get ready, leaving me alone with my thoughts. It doesn't take her too long to put together her flawless appearance. She doesn't have much to get ready with. She only arrived last night with a little bag of clothes, and what I assume was makeup, which she dropped next to the door when she hugged me. She doesn't have to do anything to her appearance for me to be distracted though. She's angelic to me in every form. I wouldn't be surprised if Iris wore a trash bag dress and banana peels on her feet, and I still thought she was the most stunning woman I'd ever laid eyes on.

"I.. Have to go to work now." she says. She appears faster than I'd anticipated, tapping her fingernails on the wall and walking slowly toward the door. The closer she gets to the door, the stupider I feel for sitting here with the coffee mug still in my hand.

I set the coffee down and dart toward the door, getting ready to open it for her. She smiles at me, and I purse my lips. Suddenly, everything feels tense and awkward. She slips on her shoes, and I open the door for her.

"Thank you." she says, stepping out. There is a moment of silence. Another chance for me to stare at her much longer than I should.

"Iris..." I say under my breath. Then, her lips press against mine again, but the kiss is deeper this time. Still soft, but deeper, and lasting longer than before. My hands go to cradle her face and we breathe each other in for a few short seconds. When she pulls away, I am still holding her face in my hands and she sighs quietly.

"Give me a little more time to.. Process everything." She says this as a sort of question. Like she doesn't understand what there is to process. I love her. She loves me. But we both know it isn't that simple. I don't feel like I have the right to ask for anything more now, so I just nod, and let her go. "See ya, Barry." She says.

"See ya." I reply, and close the door. The last thing I see is her smile, and I can't help thinking about it still locked on mine.


	3. You You You

I've been trying to clear my mind and focus on what's important, but my mind won't give me an option. Every thought is _Iris, Iris, Iris._

Her fingers on my chest, curling around the fabric of my shirt.

The softness of her touch on my arm, _intoxicating_.

Her breath on my breath.

Her lips on my lips.

_Damnit, Barry, you've got work to do. You have people to save, you have a job._

But her lips meet mine once more in my memory. _What use is it to resist?_

At work, I must have looked pathetic. Jumping around and grinning like a kid at Christmas. Joe never dared to ask me what happened. He looked at me like I was crazy most of the time, rolling my eyes whenever I wasn't paying attention. I guess I _was _crazy. She makes me crazy. There's nothing I can do about that.

Joe knew that Eddie and Iris weren't together anymore, the only thing he knew past that was that Eddie had made her cry, and Joe hardly even peeked at Eddie all day. Professionalism is as far as they went in conversation, except for one thing.

I heard Joe giving him a speech about Iris. He said it was his duty, as a father, to be pissed at the guy who made her cry, at least for a couple days, and Eddie understood. I can't help laughing about it. I probably shouldn't. I wish I felt more guilt. Eddie isn't a bad guy. He doesn't deserve this. But I don't remember what he lost as something he lost. I only remember what he lost as something I gained. Something I've wanted forever and now it's finally mine. It's like prince charming lost the princess to the farm boy, and the farm boy couldn't possibly be giddier.

My cheeks are sore.

The moment I finish work, I head over to the café. Iris is still there, cleaning up after everyone like usual. Being her normal, perfect, helpful self. I can't stop myself from looking at her before walking through the door. She isn't cleaning anymore, though. She's sitting at the table with her laptop. Writing something. I don't know what, but my assumption would be that it involves the flash. She stopped writing about him for a while after the Flash's encounter with Eddie. I don't know what sparked it, but she's back online.

She doesn't notice me for a while. Her hair all falls on one shoulder and she has it pushed behind her ears. Her fingers hit the keys like rain drops.

When I can't hold back anymore, I walk in. The room is quiet and Iris turns around immediately when she hears the door swing open.

"Barry." she says, but her expression is a little less enthusiastic than I'd hoped and my heart skips a beat for fear's sake.

"Hey. Are you alright?" I ask. She licks her lips and looks at the floor.

"I'm… I've been better." she says. Her fingers fidget with the seat of her chair. I notice that her laptop isn't even on. I sit down next to her, motionless for a few moments. I stare at her nervous fingers rubbing against the chair and then finally I break the awkward silence, reaching for her hand and relaxing it in mine.

"What's wrong?" She avoids eye contact.

"Eddie was here… Just before you." She looks at me and waits for a reaction. I think my eyebrow is twitching and I can't get the damn thing to stop.

"Yeah? What- umm…" I reach up to scratch my forehead. _Stop twitching. _"What did he say?" She takes her hand away and stands up, pacing back and forth between me and the counter.

"Just that… He's sorry for hurting me… For being so harsh about everything." She pauses for a moment and it looks like she's lost in thought, then she scuffs her feet on the floor, twiddling her thumbs and chuckling. "I guess Dad got to him." I laugh along, pretending to be unaffected.

She looks shaken, now. Staring long and hard at nothing, and chewing on her bottom lip like she hasn't eaten in years. She looks confused, like she's trying to solve some puzzle. She looks like she doesn't know what she wants and she's not prepared to decide. She looks concerned. I want her to be happy. I want to see her smile and be as giddy as I was all day. I want nothing more than for her to have everything she wants in the world. I don't want to have caused this. I don't want to be the reason she's dealing with any sort of distress or confusion or _pain_. I don't want to have made her life difficult. Maybe I never should have told her. Maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut and not said anything. Maybe she still wants to be with Eddie. Maybe—

"Barry…" She interrupts my thoughts, and I realize I've been staring at the ground as well, rubbing my knuckles raw. "Barry stand up." I squint at her, but nonetheless do as she asks. My feet are shaky and my knees may not hold the rest of my body for much longer than a few moments. Every part of me is shaking more than it should be, and I'm beginning to worry I'll give something away, but I haven't. At least not yet. She walks over to me and takes one of my hands in hers, holding it up so that I can see it rattling. "What are you thinking about that you shouldn't be thinking about?" She raises an eyebrow.

I pause for a moment and look at her, opening my mouth to say something, but failing to find the words. She brings her other hand up, wrapping it around mine, and places a gentle kiss on my fingertips.

"Don't worry about me." One corner of her mouth curls into a half smile, and instantly I'm calm, my knees have stopped trembling and my hand is completely at rest. I bring my other hand up to meet hers and rub my thumb against her knuckles. "You're always worrying about me."

"I just… I know that you love him," I feel my shoulders getting tense, and my hands starting to rattle again, "and I know that he's still around and he loves you too and I mean that's probably not going to go away for a while and that's—" she interrupts me with another kiss. Gentle, and calm, not rushed or pushed, but sweet and tender. She changes my whole world with every second she kisses me. Then she stops, and I'm calm again, hanging on to every second I'm staring at her gorgeous eyes. Dwelling on every moment her hands warm mine.

"I want _you_, Barry." She chuckles, and then her eyes grow more sincere and her smile shrinks. "I love _you_." she says, resting on the words as if they were her last.


End file.
